the journey of trust...

TRUST: 1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. 2. confident expectation of something, hope. 3. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed.

Right now I feel that God is teaching me about what it means to trust Him. I'll be completely up front...it's tough. Trusting God means letting go of all of your desires, insecurities, questions and instead making a choice to cast those apon Him and relinquish the need to control.

When I first decided to look up what trust meant (according to the dictionary) I felt like a Pastor preparing a sermon. What does the word really mean?? Let's examine this word in its entirety and see how it applies to our lives. (you must understand that, as I am typing these 'pastoral things', I am hearing them in a funny pastor voice in my head). However, I was very 'surprised' to discover the numerous definitions of the word itself.

The first definition implies that the thing, or person, in whom we decide to place our trust is just as important as the choice to trust itself. Do I have confidence in the person in whom I am placing my trust? Are they capable? Do they possess wisdom? Integrity? Do they care about what happens to me? In thinking about the attributes of a trustworthy person with regards to God, my undeniable answer is 'of course'. But is it?! If I am to be completely honest with myself, the part of me that feels 'unwilling' to entirely place my life in God's hands leads me to wonder if I really do believe that God is a God who can be trusted. My heart feels like it is caught in a tug-o-war. God has been faithful to me in my life. He continues to amaze me with the ways in which He proves to be a God of love and of mercy both in Scripture and in the lives around me. Yet, why do I struggle to trust Him? Maybe I should clarify what my muddled mind is thinking...(forgive me, I process things out loud). Perhaps it's not so much that I don't trust the character of God...it's more that by surrending to Him, a piece of me must 'die'. I guess that's what God meant when he talked about 'dying to self'. It is not an easy thing to do. This first definition has given me much to think about...God, I really do want to learn what it means to trust you...

The second definition describes trust in terms of HOPE. In my life, this has meant trusting that God does in fact have a purpose for my life here on earth. But this definition describes trust as a CONFIDENT expectation of something. I want to possess that confidence. That confidence that says "I am 110% convinced that God DOES have purpose for my life and that His plans are more than I could ever possibly dream or imagine". Don't get me wrong: I believe that God has a purpose for everyone's life. The 'irony' of it is that sometimes I have a difficult time accepting that truth for MYSELF. Not because I believe that God is 'out to get me'...but because I myself place a 'limit' on God when, in reality, He is saying, "MAIA, LET ME USE YOU!! I will make your imagination take flight! Trust me!!". It is I who is hindering this 'confident trust', not Him. However, I am learning what that means...please be patient with me God...

The final definition refers to the responsibility of the person with whom the trust has been placed. God doesn't 'owe' me anything...I have already been given more than I deserve. But I DO know this...He doesn't 'leave us hanging'. Because God is a loving Father who knows the number of hairs on our head and who sees each bird that falls, He will never leave us in the lurch.

I can relate to a line in that song titled "Breathe" when the girl sings: "And I feel like i'm naked in front of a crowd, 'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud, and I know that you'll use them however you want to". People can interpret my 'inner thoughts' however they want to...hahah. I've always been a person to vocalize my thoughts/struggles and, as previously mentioned, gosh darn it, I process out loud!! However, my prayer is this: that I will continue on my journey of trust and, through this journey, will draw closer to the One I love...